The next step.....

So, in my journey towards single-motherhood, many decisions have to be made. And one thing that people have a hard time understanding is that I am involving the STBE in most of them. It is important to me that we maintain civility during a trying time for both of us. It is amazing to me that people expect there to be so much anger and hostility and negativity. As you most of you know, negativity is not part of my make-up.

But it is easier for people to accept the idea of "being mad" rather than "being happy." We both want to be happy and it is not possible to accomplish that with anger. So we do what we need to do to make it a positive environment for our children. This is going to affect them regardless. Why influence that affect with anything less than "positive" images in a sad situation. Therefore, he has been a part of this "new home" decision. He joined me and my agent when we went to look at it. He helped me weigh options regarding one place over another. And ultimately, he will move to the general area to be close to his children. And I want him close to his children. He deserves to be as big a part of their lives as I do.

So we are now at the point of my moving out. I found a house, which I am truly excited about. Gut-wrenchingly scared to death about, but excited none the less. Fear will be a natural re-occurrence during this most significant transition. But I will conquer it like anything else. One day at a time.

Many people in my life have mixed emotions about this move and I don't blame them. They, too, are scared for me. But if they know anything about me, they know I will look this challenge in the face with an arrogant stance and flip it the bird.

Happy Living All!

Quick answer to a loaded question.......

My precious four year old asked me a loaded question last night…..

“You happy, mama?”

Wow, so young, yet so profound.

“Yes, I am happy Peanut. You make me very happy.”

If I were to sit down and create a list of the things that make me truly happy, I’m certain the list would consist of 99% Peanut and Big E. Those boys are my saviors in so many ways. Sure, my life would probably have been content had I not been blessed with their presence, but content is not my idea of a good life. I would trade a hundred content years for one happy day with my boys.

Happy Living all!

How much love.............

Once again, today brings with it another article I must share. If you belong to the “single mom who gets her news by the front page of MSN.com” club, or if you got your copy of the November 2009 issue of O Magazine, then you already know which article I’m talking about.

Susan Klebold, after 10 agonizing years, breaks her silence about the unthinkable acts committed by her son at Columbine. Even now, as I’m typing and replaying passages from her essay through my mind, I’m overcome with emotion. Is it my attempt to relate to a woman I’ve never met whose pain is something I hope to never endure? Is it the overwhelming urge to squeeze both my boys as tight as I can at this very moment? It is a fear that no matter what kind of mother I am and no matter how much I love my boys, that sometimes things will just happen that are out of my control? I believe it is a combination of all of those.

We, as good parents, spend so much time making sure that our children know that they are loved more than they could possibly imagine. We would squeeze 36 hours into a 24 hour day if it meant we could show them more love. We would throw ourselves in front of God knows what if it would protect them. But how do you cope with the fact that you have done all of these things only to suffer a Columbine-like consequence?

And how is it that sometimes children of unloving and disregarding parents seem to walk away unscathed by depression or anxiety or thoughts of violence? How come a mother, whose love cannot be measured in arm’s length because there are no arms in the world long enough to stretch across this vast universe of ours, be made to bear a burden so unimaginable? And how come a mother, whose first priority lies not in the well-being of her child, but rather a host of other non-child related materials, deliver to the world a relatively well-adjusted human being? Have we lost sight of the fundamentals in child-rearing that video games and reality television are new age nannies freeing us from our ultimate responsibility as parents? Or did we ever have control of our children to begin with? Does it matter if a parent shows great love or great disregard? Do we just throw up our hands and say “to hell with it! They are going to be who they are going to be, regardless of what I do.”

I don’t know the answer to any of these? All I know is that there is a woman in Colorado that will spend the rest of her life knowing that she loved her son with every fiber of her being and something terrible happened. Sometimes bad things just happen.

Keep loving your children with every fiber of your being. That is all we can do.

Happy Living all! And stay strong, Susan Klebold. You are not to blame.


http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200911-omag-susan-klebold-columbine

Bare it all, at any size.........

Has it really been two whole months???!!! Sorry loyal reader. =) (note the singular of that).

I could go on and on about why I haven't posted in two months. I could give you the play by play of 60 days of crap, anxiety, laughter, fear, indecisiveness, and down right mental throw up, but I will spare you that joyous experience, although I know that you were so looking forward to it.

Instead, I will write about something that got me really excited and proud today! To preface, I don't get to watch much television in real time. Most of my days consist of walking behind a four year old picking all of the 18 sets of clothes he has changed into that day, or explaining everything to my other four year old including explaining that the googly eyes on top of that stack of dough is the money he could have been saving had he switched to Geico, only to realize he doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, or watching the two of them engage in an all out battle of web slinging, or spending two hours trying to get them to take a nap only to finally give up thinking "screw it - at least this means they will go to bed early", and then they STILL stay up until 11. Ugh! But boy how I love it.

So my point??? My point is that I do not have much time for television in real time (thank you TIVO from the bottom of my heart.) And since I am unable to watch guilty pleasures or down right damn good television as they are happening, that also means that I am unable to catch up on the news. My only method of knowing what's going on in the world is the home page of MSN.com.

**Note to the media - if you want the average working mom to be kept abreast of worldly happenings, be sure to include in the top one half of your home page. That's the only way most of don't look stupid at the office water cooler.**

Anyway, back to my point. On today's home page was this great article about a plus sized model, Lizzi Miller, and her "bare it all" photo shoot with Glamour magazine. Now here is a gorgeous woman with an amazing smile and gorgeous face and a stature I would kill for of 5 foot 11 inches. And on the flip side of that, here is a woman that if she described herself on a dating site, without a photo, would loose the interest of several possible suitors as soon as she mentioned her 180 pounds. And on the most impressive side of it all, here is a woman that is so happy with who she is in the September issue of Glamour magazine, she strips down to her skivvies and sheds light on what most of us look like. I love you Lizzi Miller. I love you for showing the world that gain is gorgeous and that confidence and happiness do not have to be measured in the mirror. I love for making me smile when I look in my own mirror. I love you for having that pooch of yours spill over your bikini, as mine spills with the same lack of regard. I love you for making me think about this.

For years, I have struggled with my "baby pooch." Four years to be exact. It has taunted me and laughed at me with every bathing suit I anguishingly tried on. It pointed its finger at me with it's "na na na na na na" smirk as if to know it was here to stay no matter how many miles I ran or how many sit ups I endured.

Thank you, Lizzi, for showing me (and many others) that beauty is a part of the whole, big or small. So "na na na na na na" to you baby pooch! I will fight you no longer. I win this time.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32538061/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/

Happy Living all!

I'm in love with........

Have you ever been in love with the idea of being in love but didn't love the thought of searching for it? I often wonder if I have the energy to put towards the whole idea of "love" and "relationship." Currently, every ounce of love I own is placed in the hearts of my kids. But I do so miss the idea of being in love. I miss it, yet at the same time I'm not sure if I look forward to it. How can someone who views love as a beautiful addition to life think like this?

Fear.

A word that is as difficult to type as it is to speak out loud. I don't fear not finding it. I don't fear finding it and it not being reciprocated. What I fear is finding it and losing it and being able to explain to my children that that is OK. I don't think that we are destined to find only one true love in our lifetime. If that happens for us, then that is a bonus that life has graciously thrown our way. But if that is not the case, if we are to encounter many people with whom love is possible, then life has given us a tapestry in which to live. I sometimes like the idea of the tapestry more than the hope of that one true love. It gives me a silver-lining around the fact that my marriage did not last. I kid,..... kinda. But the tapestry is beautiful, full of experience, full of color, full of unexpected gifts. The love between my husband and myself didn't live as long as we did and I'm OK with that. I just hope that my children can understand that even though my experiences may not be ideal in someone else's eyes, I am happy.

But seriously, what do I know about love anyway? Our current modern world of “serial relationships” throws us into affairs in which we entertain installments of love. And are those chapters merely our method of obtaining interval love for which that is all we crave or are they our foundation for the goal we ultimately desire? A means to an end so to speak. Do we circle the globe sifting through these chapters to create an unedited version of our love or do we get swept up by that one true love and live the rest of our lives knowing that the journey around the world is not necessary? However love finds you, whether in a single instant or through color-filled chapters, you get to enjoy the single most amazing experience that life was created for. Love. And anyone that doesn’t appreciate life’s purpose through love, well, I would have to declare that I am very sad for them.

I will say this, I am in love with the idea of falling in love again. It excites me and scares me and creates anxiety that I thrive off of. But I'm more in love with two pint-sized men that don't need me to prove anything to them. My chapters will always begin and end here.

Happy Living All!

Thankful Thursday........

Thursday again and my favorite posting topic. With all the chaos that makes up our daily lives and all the bad events that make up our society, I love taking the time to reflect and recite the things I am thankful for in my life. Here are today’s five items:

1. I am overwhelming thankful for my light-up-my-life boys!

2. I am thankful for the fact that my STBE and I have finally completed all of our “D” paperwork! I kept putting it off, not because I was hoping for reconciliation, but because there were just SO many papers and it felt kinda like homework.

3. I am extremely excited about looking for my own place. It is going to be hard doing the “mommy” thing alone, b/c having both parents in the household rocks! But at the same time, I feel like I will be gaining my independence again and that is little exciting.

4. I am thankful that my STBE is actually helping me look for a place. He really wanted me and the boys to be able to stay in our current house, but I can’t afford it on my own. So he will keep the house and take over the payments. I know what you’re thinking…. “Stupid girl! You keep the house and make him help you pay for it!” I understand your thinking. Really, I get it. But I’m trying to make this less stressful. And honestly, I’m really looking forward to a new place. Change is Good!!!

5. And finally, I am thankful that my boys are fully potty trained!!!! (I will be honest, we do have the rare occasional accident) But cleaning up poopy diapers is a thing of the past!! Yay!!! Way to go my sweet boys! I mean my B-I-G boys!!!!! Mama loves you!

Happy Living All! =)

Tip-Toeing Topic..............

So I have this topic that I really want to touch on, but have been a bit skeptical about doing so. I know that many people close to me read my blog and even my STBE may possibly read it, but he would never tell me. Although I find it highly unlikely that he is. He never really took much interest in the things that interested me, so I'm sure he is not taking the time to read up on my daily rantings. He hears enough of those already. =)

So what is this thing I've tiptoed around writing about? Why love, of course. When you're going through a divorce, even one as uncommon as mine, you really start to take a look at what it is you really want out of life. And while I still care very much about the boys' father, I have found myself asking what it was that drew me to him in the first place and is it something that I would consider attractive in a new relationship? Or will it put me on guard against anyone who possesses those same traits? It is really hard to say.

The problems with my STBE and myself started probably 4 or 5 years ago. And after two years of trying to figure out what happened and mostly blaming myself, we hit a wall. And on the other side of that wall was silence. The silence turned into distance and before too long we were living our lives as room-mates, carrying on with the daily duties of raising children, taking care of a house, and making sure the finances were in good shape. But that was it. It is putting it too lightly to even say "the spark just disappeared." It was almost as if everything disappeared, everything between us that truly meant anything. Every meaningful conversation. Every happy memory. Every experience we shared over the past 13 years. Disappeared. I tried to find them. I tried to get him to help me find them. I tried to get him to simply be interested in looking for them. But no luck.

Why am I explaining all this? Because to say I have been lonely would not clasify where I have been for the past couple of years. I have been alone. Being alone in a marriage is much different than feeling lonely in one. Loneliness in a marriage is tough enough. I imagine a woman at home with the kids while her husband is too busy working or hanging with his buddies or focusing on his own "thing" to spend time with her. When I think of being alone, I see a woman who's husband checked out on the marriage and left her there by herself to survive. My STBE may be here physically, but he checked on me three years ago.

The only advantage for a person in a position like myself is that I have had my time to accept where we are in our relationship. And I have had time to think about how I want pursue love in the future. And yes, I DO plan on finding love again. Who knows when that will happen. All I know is that I'm not in a big hurry. And I can actually take my time finding someone who loves life the way that I do. Life is way too short not to enjoy it!

Happy Living All!